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Relationships Balancing (Restoring Natural Harmony)


By Dr. Brenda Shoshanna May 2006


If you are unhappy, fighting difficulties in your relationships, be aware that there is not anything necessarily wrong with what is happening to you right now. It does not mean your partner is the wrong one, or that you are failing.

Our life is a flow of alternating conditions, good and bad, day and night, times of strength and weakness, high tide and low tide. As soon as we label a condition as bad or dangerous we go into an emergency mode and start our endless fight against what is happening. We demand that things turn out differently, exactly as we wish. This demand makes matters worse and blocks the natural balancing that all relationships go through.

The process of Relationships Balancing allows individuals to look at what is happening differently, respond in a constructive way, and return to simple truths. As we apply Relationships Balancing, rather than struggle to analyze and undo our patterns, we work directly with our attention. The question before us always is - What am I focusing on at this moment? Where is my attention, right now? Is it upon the pains and wrongs I think the other has done me, or is it upon the simple reality that is presenting itself? Am I aware of that which needs doing right now? Am I willing to hear what the other is asking of me? Am I willing to listen to myself, as well? How much can I say yes to? What is it that I can truly give?

Here are some basic principles of relationships. Apply them in your relationships and see what a difference they make.


1) Return To Your Home

This means before you react out in any manner, Return To Yourself. Become silent, still, and get in touch with whatever it is going on inside of you. Simply listen to and be there with all that is going on with what’s going on. Though this sounds simple, it is a primary step that most of us by- pass. Usually, our focus and attention is upon the other. When something doesn’t go, as we desire, warning signals go off. We immediately fear that things are ending, are being accused or have somehow failed. Our mind starts creating strategies for what to do next.

Relationships Balancing stops all this. We simply Return Home – put our focus back to ourself. We just listen within, feel our responses, remain planted quietly in the middle of the chaos. By simply being with all that is happening, we take the pressure away and are less likely to react inappropriately and make matters worse. By stepping back in this manner, we are actually giving the other a chance. We are giving ourselves a chance as well, not to live as a puppet being pulled by strings.


2) Respond – Do Not React

Relationships Balancing teaches us the true meaning of Responsibility – which is the ability to respond. This ability must be cultivated and learned. Most problems in relationships arise because we react, not respond. Reaction arises out of our childish conditioned nature. Response is out of choice, it arises when we can become clear and patient and see the whole picture.


3) Give The Other The Benefit Of The Doubt

It is easy and natural to blame the other for what is going on. In Relationships Balancing, we catch ourselves immediately as this is going on. Instead we become clear how we are shifting responsibility for the mess we are in. We give the other the benefit of the doubt, and find a positive and constructive way to view their part in what is going on. As we do this for the other, automatically we will soon also, begin to naturally give ourselves the benefit of the doubt as well.


4) See The Best, Not The Worst In Ourselves As Well

Perception is fatal. As we perceive, so shall we be. What we see in others, we bring out in them. The same is true for ourselves. In Relationships Balancing we become responsible for how we perceive a situation. Out of thousands of possible moments, we choose those that will support healing and love.


5) Never Give Up On A Person

Often we are so ready to get rid of a person because they are so difficult to handle. This principle teaches us to stay with a situation or person, right through their difficulties. (By the way, this does not mean that we can never leave or change relationships, but even if we do that, we do not give up on the person, we hold them in our minds and hearts with the thought and possibility that they will outgrow their problems, and become all they are.)

Reality continually renews and confronts us with new tasks and insights in our relationships, day by day. There are always new challenges, and opportunities. Are we in touch with this ever-flowing reality? Are we asking ourselves what is happening right now, or constantly dwelling on the past, what happened two or three weeks ago? Remembering how we were wronged and determined to make the other pay?


6) Stay In The Present – With What’s Happening Now. Let The Past Be The Past.

This step requires that we be willing to start new, every single day. So many relationships and possibilities of relationship flounder desperately because people have never woken up to a new day. We must be willing to let go of what happened to us with this person before. This is another way of offering forgiveness.

The essence of forgiveness is realizing the person you are with today is not the same person as the day before. Will you let them be different? Are you willing to let life grow? Are you willing to grow yourself, or are you stuck in the pleasures of revenge.


7) Focus Upon The Gifts You’ve Been Given By Your Partner, everyday.

What has this person really given you? What have you been willing to receive? What have you given to them? How much trouble or pain have you caused? These questions must stay present in your mind continually. Then take action! Find something you can truly do of a beneficial nature and do it immediately. Do it without dwelling upon what response you will get. Do it just for the joy of doing.


8) Take Charge Of Your Attention – It is Your Best Friend

Rather than Dwelling On How You’ve Been Wronged – Dwell Upon How You’ve Been Nourished. Choose To Feel Good.

How we feel is a choice we make, based upon our attention and what we focus on. We can focus upon our hurts or upon our pleasures. The choice is up to you.

By taking our attention off our toxic inner dialogue, and focussing upon what is before us, right now, we directly interfere with the habitual patterns that are the very cause of our suffering.


In Relationships Balancing, whether applied to our personal lives and relationships, or to the workplace, we learn to do each action with full attention, (no matter how small or large). We do not dwell upon the outcome. Results and consequences then take care of themselves. When we are not absorbed by concern for outcomes, how much anxiety can we ever have?


Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationships, in Dr. Shoshanna’s new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships).

Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationships expert on, speaker, and author of many books, including The Anger Diet, (30 Days To Stress Free Living), Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), and many others.  You can contact her, or visit her personal website.


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